Interpersonal Conflict in a relationship

                                                                                                 26 June 2017

 Hello everyone, how are you? I hope you have been enjoying the Minions and Transformer movie franchises that opened in the cinemas recently. I would like to ask for some help and advice so that I can learn from you...

 This is a hypothetical situation which needs your input so that  we can all learn from each other. Have you ever been in similar situations? Have your friends told you how they have dealt with such problems? Could you be so kind as to leave some comments on my blog post so that we can share how to resolve our common communication problems in relationships? I hope you can leave some good advice so the readers can build up confidence in relationships and have better, happier lives. Here is the scenario, I hope can analyse and identify with it and provide some advice. Thank you so much and may the odds always be in your favour!


There were two undergraduates in a western part of Singapore who liked each other. Veronica and James were in the same course in University. As you know in universities, cliques are formed and people tend to stick together based on similar interests. James was slightly shy and somewhat a social outcast. Vicky was one of those with long hair, long legs and an even longer list of friends in Instagram. He had a crush on the Veronica ever since orientation in April 2017.  He gets anxious around her as he feels that he is not good enough. He does approach her from time to time to ask how she is and they have had some canteen meals together. However, he still feels anxious and pressurised when there are people around them as he feels that there are eyes shooting daggers at him when he is around her. Once he helped her carry her Anello bag and he got scolded by her BFF. Veronica is a popular girl who is smart and has accomplished many feats like helping out homeless children in Batam, buying groceries for the elderly folks in Redhill ( those who could not leave their home) and was an activist for Club Rainbow NGO that supports charitable causes.

The problem arises because Veronica likes him and wants him to approach her to try to form a relationship. However, James is not confident enough to approach her because he feels he is unworthy. James does not think he has the potential in being a good boyfriend for such a proactive, outgoing and bubbly girl. Veronica fancied James because she did see him working hard during School events and may get EXCO position in an Arts Club. She saw that he did try his best in Film 101  Module gaining praises from the lecturer quite often. She found his nervousness around her adorable as she could see him breaking into sweat, something her alpha male boyfriend never did for her. She has had an ex boyfriend who was also a medicine undergrad and popular in the Inter-Varsity Rugby Team. He likes to accompany her around and screen her friend’s lists to make sure she was not mixing with the wrong crowd or people he disliked. He feels like he is protecting her even though they are no longer together but are still good friends.

Dealing with the troublesome ex:
Do you think that Veronica’s ex-boyfriend should continue to control who is in her life and who should not be?

Communication strategies for shy people:
How do you think James should express himself to Veronica in order to be in a relationship?

Asserting independence from someone who cares for you deeply:
How should Veronica communicate to her ex-boyfriend to allow her to start a relationship if she chooses to, even if he thinks the new boyfriend is not good for her?

Breaking bad news gently:
How should she go about turning James down if she does not see a future in their relationship?

Closing the distance through communication:
If Veronica and James were to decide to be together as a couple what are some communication rules to practise towards each other so as to not to end up quarreling?

                                                                                       
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                                        Edited As of 5 July 2017
The following is a hypothetical scenario about a couple that wants to be together. However, sometimes when two people are attracted to one another they face various barriers from differences in their outlook, social groups and even academic abilities. Because relationships are high visible in school context, good communication is essential in helping two people approach each other and for relationships in the correct way or rationale. I would like to explore strategies to improve interpersonal communications in order to reduce conflict despite the differences that exist.
Veronica and James were in the same course in University. They belonged to different cliques. Veronica was physically confident and had many friends on social media. She was a popular girl who was smart and had accomplished many feats like helping out homeless children in an overseas community, buying meals for the elderly in the neighbourhood and serving as an activist for various charities. She previously from a top school and had perfect grades. She liked James because he was down to earth and more earnest but she had her doubts as she knew that her friends in her social circle would judge him. Her family were also fairly well to do and would reject James as well. Worst her ex-boyfriend was still possessive with regards to her choice of friends.
James was slightly shy and somewhat a social outcast. He had a crush on the Veronica ever since orientation in April 2017.  He gets anxious around her as he feels that he is not good enough. He does approach her from time to time to ask how she is. James had a very small social circle in and out of school and previously he spent most of his time playing computer games. He was from a less prestigious government school. He finds that he is a social mismatch with Veronica but still wishes too have a relationship with her.

My understanding that many people offer solutions such as ignoring social pressure and just proceeding with the relationship. However, some people advocate communicating their personal intentions to the people around the couple so as to reassure them that they are doing the right thing. Some others will say that the relationship should not be carried out because there are differences that cannot be solved. I am still wondering what a good solution would be.

                                   
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Interpersonal Conflict in a relationship (With Solution) -Edited on 9/07/17
The following is a hypothetical scenario about a couple that wants to be together. However, sometimes when two people are attracted to one another they face various barriers from differences in their outlook, social groups and even academic abilities. Because relationships are high visible in school context, good communication is essential in helping two people approach each other and for relationships in the correct way or rationale. I would like to explore strategies to improve interpersonal communications in order to reduce conflict despite the differences that exist.


Veronica and James were in the same course in University. They belonged to different cliques. Veronica was physically confident and had many friends on social media. She was a popular girl who was smart and had accomplished many feats like helping out homeless children in an overseas community, buying meals for the elderly in the neighbour hood and serving as an activist for various charities. She previously from a top school and had perfect grades. She liked James because he was down to earth and more earnest but she had her doubts as she knew that her friends in her social circle would judge him. Her family were also fairly well to do and would reject James as well. Worst her ex-boyfriend was still possessive with regards to her choice of friends.

James was slightly shy and somewhat a social outcast. He had a crush on the Veronica ever since orientation in April 2017.  He gets anxious around her as he feels that he is not good enough. He does approach her from time to time to ask how she is. James had a very small social circle in and out of school and previously he spent most of his time playing computer games. He was from a less prestigious government school. He finds that he is a social mismatch with Veronica but still wishes too have a relationship with her.


My understanding that many people offer solutions such as ignoring social pressure and just proceeding with the relationship. However, some people advocate communicating their personal intentions to the people around the couple so as to reassure them that they are doing the right thing. Some others will say that the relationship should not be carried out because there are differences that cannot be solved.

Solution

 Based on some of the feedback from my friends  and my own research, I will propose two solutions. The first conflict in communication is between Veronica and James is due to the fact that they have contrasting personalities with Veronica being extroverted and James being introverted. Their potential relationships are complicated by external factors such as the effects of Veronica's friends on her choice of boyfriend ( peer pressure ) and James' lack of social networks that complements Veronica's friends. However working in their favour is that there is mutual admiration for James' ability and Veronica's personality. Also Veronica has had a bad experience with her ex boyfriend being overly dominate and therefore preferring someone like James. Hence the first solution according to Thomas Kilmann Conflict Resolution Model, James needs to shift from Avoiding to Collaborating so as to build up cohesion with Veronica with simple activities which is not competitive but has simple common goals such as bowling, roller blading, ice skating or even attending talks and exhibitions where they can discuss what they have seen later. In the collaboration model, people of different social backgrounds and interest can be brought together through interacting for the sake of common goals or interests.

The second problem is Veronica's over controlling ex-boyfriend, who thinks he knows best and wants to guide her in her future relationships. Despite no longer being her boyfriend, he is still competing for her attention. The problem with communicating with him is when questions related to a new boyfriend are raised, his anger is triggered and the conflict with intensify. Hence, the second solution recommended by Sing Yiing is a good one where they meet in a cafe to end on a good note. I think this is a good place to meet as it is in a public area and this will discourage her ex-boyfriend from acting up. Again, applying TKI, Veronica is working towards being more assertive so as to win her own independence. Her freedom to make decisions will help her with her relationship with James. If she is able to overcome her ex-boyfriend's pressure, she will learn how to reject her friend's social pressure.

Finally, I would like to credit Eugene, for suggestions for James, where you must recognize the problem, explore the factors causing the problem and come to mutually acceptable understanding. I would suggest James will need to set some personal achievable goals for himself so that he can show Veronica that he is moving in the right track from being avoiding to being more assertive and collaborative with others. These self development goals will require working with others and expanding relationships beyond his current circle of friends. By being more extroverted he can better accept Veronica for who she is. This also offers better potential for his new friends to match with her friends.

Therefore, with careful application of Conflict Resolution models and also some personal commitment to change it is possible to transform relationships for the better.

References

Thomas Kilmann Conflict Resolution Model extracted from: http://calhoun.nps.edu/bitstream/handle/10945/40295/thomas_conflict_T_OCR.pdf?sequence=1





Comments

  1. Unknown28 June 2017 at 07:51

    Before I answer the questions, I have some questions and points to share. I would like to know the purpose of describing the physical traits of Veronica, is that suppose to be an attractive trait? And what does having a lot of Instagram friends(I think it should be followers) establish about Veronica as a person? Your readers might not be familiar with some terms such as BFF, NGO, EXCO, it might frustrate your readers because they need to research on those terms in order to understand the context. Given too many example, not sure if you are trying to describe her as a charitable person who does volunteering work. Veronica likes him, does he knows that she like him? It feels like the line was thrown there but I have to figure out what is going on there. Veronica has a boyfriend and she is into him??? Oh thanks god it is an ex-boyfriend, you could have mention that earlier.

    Sorry if it sounds direct to you, I would like to flush out these things as a reader first, now on to the topic...
    Q: Do you think that Veronica’s ex-boyfriend should continue to control who is in her life and who should not be?
    Me: I think this is something I do not have control over but for the characters, Veronica could have mentioned something about it if she is uncomfortable, James would probably not have done anything either as he feels inferior and would not approach Ex-boyfriend as he is not in any position to do so considering his relationship with Veronica.

    Q: How do you think James should express himself to Veronica in order to be in a relationship?
    Me: I assume that James doesn't know that Veronica likes him, before expressing himself to Veronica, he needs to be more positive and be a little more confident with himself and believe that he is not a lowly person compared to Veronica.

    Q: How should Veronica communicate to her ex-boyfriend to allow her to start a relationship if she chooses to, even if he thinks the new boyfriend is not good for her?
    Me: I am confused. Is she letting her ex-boyfriend control her? If she is not letting her ex-boyfriend control her than I guess she is communication with him as a good friend of hers? She should listen to his opinion and on how he judges James, he might have some good points to stop her from starting a relationship with James. Ultimately, the decision should be hers as I do not understand how and why she is letting someone else decide that for her.

    Q: How should she go about turning James down if she does not see a future in their relationship?
    Me: Just turn James down? What is stopping her here? If you meant that they are already in a relationship and she wants to break up and if she wants to maintain a good relationship with him after that, she should identify her issues in the relationship and be honest in telling him that it is not working out well and would like to break up.

    Q: If Veronica and James were to decide to be together as a couple what are some communication rules to practice towards each other so as to not to end up quarreling?
    Me: When sending a message across to the other party, always convey messages in a clear and effective manner, using clear and unambiguous language, includes non-verbal methods of communication, make use of repetition and lastly check their understanding to ensure that the message has gotten across to the other party.
    When listening to a message, remember to keep contact and be attentive to show that you are listening, be silent when appropriate, don't be too active to respond and checking understanding with the other party to ensure that the message received is the same as how it is perceived.

    This advice of mine feels kind of weird as it doesn't feel like there is a proper advice I can give... It feels like I am being asked for alternate scenarios and what would happened, or what should be done if that happens. The relationship between the 3 people are weird as there are many confusing parts that I have to assume, I apologize if I am not giving the advice you are looking for.

    - Kok Leong

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  2. Unknown28 June 2017 at 09:16

    Zhen Yang,

    No offense, but this kinda reads like a cliched cheesy romance plot. Guy secretly likes girl but is too shy to ask her out, girl secretly likes the guy back but doesn't start a relationship for whatever reason. And of course there's a super-talented ex-boyfriend out there...

    Lets just unravel this needlessly tangled romance shall we? First off, lets look at James. He's a "social outcast", yet is somehow friends with a very popular girl in school. We know he's a hard worker and focuses on his studies, and is praised by teachers. The problem here is that we know nothing else about him. Why is he an outcast? What is his personality like? Why does Veronica specifically like HIM? You mention his hardworking nature, but even know its viewed as a positive trait, why is he still outcasted by the student body? What exactly does Veronica like about him (besides "finding his sweating 'adorable'[?????])? With so little information, we can't give any advice, since we won't know how he'll even act.

    Veronica we know more about, and thus can give better advice. She's popular because she is responsible, helpful towards others, is of high social standing and is physically attractive. She also has an ex-boyfriend that she considers a good friend whom watches out for her.

    The most immediate thing that springs to mind is this "Is her ex-boyfriend REALLY controlling?". From the way its described, he seems more like a person who wants to ensure his friend doesn't somehow end up on the wrong side of life, and the desire to protect a friend is not inherently a bad thing. Also, if Veronica truly considers him a friend, wouldn't he be mature enough (being a highly accomplished uni-student) to respect her decision and back off if need be? It feels like you are trying to overplay how controlling he is when he could be interpreted as a close friend who is looking out for his ex's well-being.

    The next immediate problem is thus. If Veronica was truly so independent, has a romantic interest in a guy, and understands said guy is shy, why doesn't SHE be the one to instigate the relationship? Why must she decide to keep waiting when she already fancies him so much? Considering her character, it seems very strange that she wouldn't approach James and is simply content to wait around, even though she should know James well enough to realize he's too shy to approach her. It feels like a contrived case of plot-induced stupidity, where Veronica refuses to go with the most OBVIOUS SOLUTION for no reason whatsoever (tradition? We're in 2017 dammit).

    If the two somehow manage to become a couple, I don't think there would be any problems. Considering we know so little about how they would interact well with one another, we can't tell how they would really communicate as a couple or what possible communication-based conflicts they would encounter.

    There simply isn't really any sort of "Interpersonal Communication issue" to really solve here. What you seem to have is a shy guy, a girl who doesn't want to act for unspecified reasons, and an ex-boyfriend who seems subject to a misunderstanding.

    I do recommend trying to create a simpler and more cohesive example instead of this messy relationship problem. I know people in love tend to act stupidly, but there's so much irrelevant information (Veronica has instagram followers. James does FLM101. What does this matter?) and so little useful information (James got scolded for helping carry her bag for unknown reasons. Why does the ex dislike James if he's such a good student?) that you end up with an utterly incomprehensible social problem where people aren't acting with common sense in mind.

    Please do consider revising the scenario and creating a problem which actually relates to communication issues, instead of lovestruck teenagers being idiots.

    - Merville Sin

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  3. Brad Blackstone29 June 2017 at 02:28

    Thank you, Zhen Yang, for this post. (As you see, I'm back to using Zhen Yang since everyone in class uses that.)

    As I mentioned in class, I have a couple misgivings about this response to the assigned task. One is that the first two paragraphs seem unnecessary for the crux of the assignment. This is a formal assignment, so it would be better to treat it as such and not as an informal letter to friends. My other point is that you need to sharpen the focus. While it's okay to address an interpersonal issue as you have done, I feel your organization of ideas needs to be more cohesive. Provide a bit more detail about the social setting where your two main characters meet and more info on their individual motivations for wanting to be in each other's presence, but cut out the long list of questions. Zoom in on a central problem between the two people in the story. Also, try to address first character development, then story plot, all while keeping in mind what Locky has suggested: Some of us may not know the meaning behind all your acronyms. One other thing: Even the fact that at one point you refer to Veronica as Vicky seems to indicate that your mind was a bit adrift while writing this.

    Shall we work on it?

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  4. Unknown29 June 2017 at 02:41

    Hi Brad, Thank you for your input I will work on corrected it and make it better!
    ~ Zhen Yang

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  5. Unknown30 June 2017 at 10:52

    Hi Zhen Yang!

    This scenario that you described is a very typical incident that could happen anywhere, in school/ workplace. Thus, I was very engaged in this story. I also liked how you pointed out the main problems that you would require help/ advice. However, I feel that it is a little tough to incorporate some communication techniques that we learnt in class, this could be due to having this post to talk very little about the interpersonal conflict. Irregardless, I will try my best to answer your questions, since it has been asked! (:

    Dealing with the troublesome ex:
    Do you think that Veronica’s ex-boyfriend should continue to control who is in her life and who should not be?
    My answer would be an obvious no. They have already broken up and there must be a reason for that. Whatever the reason may be, Veronica is free to befriend with whoever she wants.

    Communication strategies for shy people:
    How do you think James should express himself to Veronica in order to be in a relationship?
    "If you want it, you go get it." Yes, he has a shy persona. But if he really wants to progress on to be in a relationship, then he would have to be truthful about his feelings and let Veronica know about it.

    Asserting independence from someone who cares for you deeply:
    How should Veronica communicate to her ex-boyfriend to allow her to start a relationship if she chooses to, even if he thinks the new boyfriend is not good for her?
    If Veronica is uncomfortable with him following her around, screening through her friend-list and even making decision of who she can/ cannot befriend, then she has to voice out to him. For an alpha male, I would assume that he is a person that is very firm with his decision, and nothing would change his mind. Therefore, for Veronica to be able to get through him, she must be able to understand him. Which method of communicating with him is the best? What should she say without making him refuse to back away from her personal life? For example, she could invite him to have a talk over coffee, catching up on their life and subsequently slide into the topic of not wanting him to take control over her. Veronica has to be very patient and explain to him her point of view, and tell him that she is very uncomfortable with his actions, and wants him to not interfere with her personal life.


    Breaking bad news gently:
    How should she go about turning James down if she does not see a future in their relationship?
    Sorry, but I am unable to answer this question. Firstly, the two of them did not know of their feelings for each other. So, there isn't the problem to begin with. Secondly, if they were to know of the feelings, there is no reason for not being together and not seeing a future in the relationship.
    If there is a reason for this question. Then I believe that with Veronica gently breaking the news by having a serious conversation ( heart-to-heart talk) would be a solution that James is able to accept.

    Closing the distance through communication:
    If Veronica and James were to decide to be together as a couple what are some communication rules to practise towards each other so as to not to end up quarrelling?
    Mutual understanding, and applying the 6 seconds model where they would be able to control themselves to control the outcome.


    - Lim Sing Yiing

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    Replies
    1. Unknown8 July 2017 at 02:09

      Hi Sing Yiing, thanks for commenting on my post. Thank you for pointing out the different possible styles of communicating that Victoria and her ex-boyfriend could have gone through. According to CRANAplus (2011) and Thomas-Kilmann
      Conflict Mode Instrument (TKI). Victoria has the Accommodating style while her ex-boyfriend has the Competing style. Competing style means that the person has an intent to do things his way or it is the high way.A discussion can be taken place and a compromise can be reached. The fact that you mentioned that they meet at a Cafe is very useful because both of them are in a more relaxed setting and people tend to be more polite to each other when they are open to public scrutiny.

      You mentioned that James should be more assertive and maybe aggressive in making his desire known. In the long run if he wants a healthy relationship, James should be less passive and more pro-active as no relationship can blossom without communication. Hence your point having a Mutual understanding and applying the 6 Second Model would be healthy for any relationship even if it is not a romantic relationship.

      - Wee Zhen Yang

      Delete
  6. Eugene Lee Jin Keng8 July 2017 at 02:03

    Hi Zhen Yang,

    I will be commenting based on your edited post.

    It seems like what you are asking for in your conflict post is “To be or not to be a couple?”. My answer would be for James and Veronica to get together. However, we already know that there are obstacles for them if they were to get together. Thus, I will be using the method of “collaborative resolution” (Heitler, 2012) hoping it will help them resolve their conflict.

    There are 3 steps for Collaboration:
    1. Recognition that there is a problem.
    2. Exploration of the underlying concerns.
    3. Creation of a mutually agreeable solution.
    (Heitler, 2012)

    Firstly, the problem is that they have differences in character. James is more of an introvert, doing things on his own, less of interaction with people around him. On the contrary, Veronica is an extrovert. She has many friends, being the “centre” within her clique, and even do social work for the unfortunates.

    Secondly, with Veronica being so active with activities, she may make James feel like they are a mismatch. This could result in quarrels, for example: James may say that Veronica is spending more time on her external activities than focusing on him. Or even say that when they are out with a group of friends over dinner, and he felt excluded whenever they are having a conversation. While Veronica may complain that James is always sticking to her because he has no other friends to hang out with and she may feel like she has no personal space.

    Thirdly, after recognising the problems and their concerns, what they can do to maintain the relationship is to compromise. As James is an introvert, he can train himself to be more outspoken, so that when they are out with their friends, James would be able to engage in the conversation and not feel left out. While for Veronica, she can be more considerate to James knowing that he puts in a lot of effort to engage in conversation with their friends. Thus, she can turn down invites to go out as a group.

    Reference:
    Heitler, S. (2012, November 14). What Makes Conflict? How Are Conflicts Resolved? Retrieved July 08, 2017, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201211/what-makes-conflict-how-are-conflicts-resolved\

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  7. Brad Blackstone15 July 2017 at 23:30

    Thank you, Zhen Yang, for this effort. I can see that through the various stages of drafting, you've made improvements in terms of overall style and structure. Your solution section is also very detailed, and I particularly like the way you have referenced the feedback you have received.

    The aspect of this assignment that still needs some work for me is the description of the problem. The storytelling doesn't convince me that Veronica would ever give James a second look. Why was she attracted to him? In the solution, you do mention that there is "admiration for James' ability," but that was not mentioned in the original problem description. In the original problem scenario, you also didn't ever relate how these two very different characters had met and initiated a relationship. In fact, it seems that much of the info in your 'solution' section should have appeared in the initial description, for example, all that info on Veronica's ex-boyfriend that suddenly appears. That influence fro the previous relationship on Veronica itself could have been pitted as the main problem rather than James' general insecurity. This might have been a way to keep your problem scenario in better focus.

    I'd be happy to discuss this with you.

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